we have officially lost it.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
