I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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