if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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