She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
