this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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