I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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