y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
