Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize