I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
