I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
