Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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