I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
