She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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