She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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