I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
