it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
