and she was petting her beer can
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
