I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
whose parrot is this?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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