the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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