The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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