I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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