I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
