You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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