I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
