Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Come on in and take your pants off
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