Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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