Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i love accidental penises.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
