Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
my poor anus
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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