i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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