Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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