Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I need a hoe opinion
go on
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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