How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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