so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
