I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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