I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
