We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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