I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
