well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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