Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
