I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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