I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize