I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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