woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
