Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
