I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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