she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
