Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
