Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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