Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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