I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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