I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize