Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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