hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i wish my penis had a tongue
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
