Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
