I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
