I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
