Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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